Note: In November 2018 I was diagnosed with severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea.Check my most recent posts on sleep apnea.
One of the speakers I heard who had the most impact on me during the recent Neuroscience Training Summit on SoundsTrue was Dr Kristin Neff, a neuroscience researcher and self-compassion teacher who talked about activating our mamilian caregiving system by placing your hands over your heart and offering yourself compassion in the midst of suffering.
I find this technique really valuable when I’m feeling distressed and anxious, and just had a session with a client who also found it really helpful for calming her anxiety. The technique is based on the Buddhist tradition of mindfulness which generally implies a sense of self-compassion, but making the self-compassion aspect the explicit focus.
Aside from the mere fact that this kind of meditation has worked for thousands of years, I also like that modern neuroscience can now explain how and why it works, so you can take it on faith, or take it on reason. Either way, it works. Essentially what you’re doing is self-activating the soothing mechanism that emotionally aware mothers instinctually use to soothe their distressed infants by holding them and cooing when they’re upset.
When everything is working well, over time we learn to self-soothe by internalising this experience from our mothers. But if you didn’t have an emotionally aware mother or if you’re hit with an overwhelming experience like CFS, it can take some conscious attention and practice to develop the ability to self-soothe anxiety and distress.
If you fear that self-compassion might seem a little self-indulgent, consider one thing I recall Dr Neff saying in the Neuroscience Training Summit about the opposite of self-compassion: “There’s nothing more self-focused than being lost in the throes of self-criticism.”
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism, and the more self-compassion we practice, the more compassion we have available for other people.
Dr Neff has a set of guided meditations available for free on her website that I highly recommend. She has a soothing voice and you get to benefit from her 20 years of self-compassion practice.
Here’s the link: Free Self-Compassion Guided Meditations.
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3 Comments
James Trickett · August 17, 2016 at 11:15 PM
Thanks Graham, really excellent link, most appreciated: a psychologist has highlighted my need for self compassion, I’m able to give it everyone else except myself in the doses required. This is such perfect timing. She thinks the CFS energy uncertainties have encouraged within me with GAD – generalised anxiety disorder – and I really notice now that she is on to something, as I’ve known for a while it is not feeling safe due to a general fear of uncertainty that can be independent of the energy issue. I guess it is just another name for the flight or fight response but it is addressing the thought patterns that keep the flight or fight going so it feels like progress from here 🙂 hope you are enjoying helping others with your wonderful insights, and still getting to do the stand up, oh brave one 🙂
Graham · August 19, 2016 at 10:13 AM
Thanks James! I relate to what you’ve said about not feeling safe due to a general fear of uncertainty; it’s one of my big triggers too. I’ve been working on it through setting boundaries and being more assertive with people so I’m more likely to get what I want and be treated in ways I find less threatening, and giving myself the compassion, empathy and understanding that I have craved from others in the past. In the same vein of being kind to myself, the stand-up is on hold for the time being until I’m in a less anxious space. Let me know how the self-compassion meditation goes for you! Cheers, Graham
Judith · July 19, 2016 at 12:55 AM
Thanks. I am using the CDs of Jon Kabat-Zinn. They are brilliant!
I will use these that you have highlighted too.
Judith X