Can’t Sleep

I had a good day today; acting class was really fun. I did an exercise with one of the girls in the class where I was teasing her about flirting with me, and it was hysterical. One of the guys said I was “effortlessly funny”, and should take up comedy. Another guy in my class is a comedian, and he’s very encouraging. I’d love to do it. I think I might.

I’m sooooo tired though. This afternoon I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep; but I know when I do that I wake up feeling much worse, and then have really bad insomnia in the evening. What a cruel joke: exhaustion and insomnia all in the one package. So I forced myself to stay awake, went for a walk in the afternoon and played my guitar down by the river near where I live. It felt good, in between burst of feeling exhausted.

Came home and cooked dinner, and watched a bit of So You Think You Can Dance. I used to love dancing and really got into that show. Now it’s a bit painful to watch, and I don’t really have time anyway. Then I headed to bed feeling like lead. Couldn’t sleep though, dammit. I’m overtired. I feel upset, but detached. I want to cry, but don’t. I want to scream, but don’t. I feel so frustrated I could burst, but I don’t. I just feel kinda blank. And really tired.

There was an article in the Herald yesterday about CFS. Some poor girl who’s bed-ridden and in pain all the time, on the verge of death practically. An extreme case I guess. I should be thankful mine isn’t anywhere near as bad, but I’m just resentful about not feeling well. It’ll be two years on Monday. I think about killing myself sometimes, fantasise about escaping the whole thing. I really just want it all to go away and leave me alone. There are so many things I want to do that I don’t have time to do them all, and find it difficult to choose a new career path. It’s all on permanent hold while I feel so crap anyway. What a bugger. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing. Fuck this, I’m tired of hearing myself whinge about it. I’m gonna go read my email and hit some online dating services or something. Forget about being tired for a while.

Author: Graham

I'm a guy in his late 40's, recovering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome since May 2009. I now offer coaching and support to other people with CFS/ME.