Yesterday I woke up a bit headachey. I was due to do lunch with my parents and a second cousin. Perhaps the thought of lunch with my parents brought the headache on; they’ve been the main root cause of stress in my life. It may be all psychosomatic, but that doesn’t make it just go away.
I’m doing pretty well today. I woke up quite early, did the Soften and Flow meditation, but didn’t feel like falling asleep again so I made some SEO improvements to the blog on my ebook website. My motivation waxes and wanes enormously with the CFS mood swings, but I figure I may as well work when I feel motivated, and do something else like play guitar when I’m not! Every second day I seem to decide to quit promoting my ebook since it frustrates me when it’s not selling. But every other day, I’m back to working on it again. And I have a bunch of promotional ideas that I haven’t tried yet: I have a TODO list a page long, and there’s not enough time to do it all. I want it finished and successful now now now! Just like Ashok says in one of the sessions about feeling that there’s too much to do and not enough time.
I’m still fascinated by the Meisner acting course I’m doing. During the “repetition” practise exercises, I just can’t help smiling and laughing. Interestingly I do this even when my partner is angry with me about something. It’s like when I was in primary school and I was in trouble with the teacher. I’d laugh… and get in even more trouble! When my partner starts ripping into me because I’ve offended them or been to reserved during “rep”, I laugh when a more appropriate response would be to get angry. I’m hoping the course will help me reconnect my anger neurons and lessen my internal emotional conflict, which I think is feeding the CFS. “Rep” is also an awesome way to practise flirting. It’s all about opening up and getting out of your head.
I quite like teasing and being mischievous, but I’ve only just found this out! Two guys at practise were talking after a rep session the other night, and one complimented the other on his voice. I said to him “Is that just a polite way of saying you think he’s got a good face for radio?” with a sly smile. The guy with the good voice then turns to the other guy and says “What’s wrong with my face?” looking all self-conscious. Given that he’s an actor, his looks are important to him. But he wasn’t offended at me, he got offended with the guy who was being complimentary to him! I snuck off chuckling to myself…
I used to feel really bad about all the stuff I was missing out on by being ill. I don’t seem to feel that any more. I’m ditching more and more stuff I don’t want to do, so I can focus on being well. Most of my time is going into the acting course now, so other things have to slide a bit.