Had a really bad day yesterday. Woke up with a really sore throat and the usual perpetually stuffed head. Felt really anxious too. No particular thoughts behind it initially, but the negative thoughts grew during the day. Did a lot of Stop-Stop-Stop’ing, but it just seemed overwhelming. Felt really anxious and exhausted in the afternoon and went back to bed. Woke up after an hour or so feeling a bit calmer. Then a rotten headache developed in the afternoon. Took nurofen and felt pretty crap. Listened to the meditation CD and felt calmer.
The headache got stronger in the evening and I just felt horrible, like I don’t want to live this life any more. I really wish I could kick this thing. Went to bed early and woke up in the middle of the night feeling like my eyes were going to burst. Took more nurofen and went back to bed. Gawd this sucks.
Woke up this morning feeling jet-lagged, like I used to feel the day after a bad migraine. At least I don’t have the sore throat today. I’m considering the prospect of giving up absolutely everything I find even remotely stressful for six months, like dating, learning public speaking, writing & publishing my work. Even just the thought of putting life on hold seems stressful, and I’m doing those things so I can develop a successful career again. Not having a career at the moment is stressful, so the thought of putting it all off is stressful too. But the thought of working hard developing one and dealing with my fear of failure is stressful too. Bit of a no-win situation.
I feel so tired. I’m going to spend today learning to play a song for my niece on my guitar for when she gets back from holidays. And watch the next Gupta session DVD. Can’t give up yet!