Last week I decided to visit a holistic healer who I met when I attended a workshop he ran on Men, Power and Sex. I was attracted to him because he’s a guy, but unlike some of the male healer/counsellor/therapists I’ve met, he seemed particularly in touch with his masculinity. Growing up in a family dominated by strong, emotionally unavailable women who seemed keener to suppress, rather than relish the men in their lives has left me feeling rather disempowered, and out of touch with how I feel. I had been working on this even before coming down with my physical symptoms of chronic fatigue; now I have even more impetus to get to the bottom of it.
I find that the anxiety I feel around feeling fatigued, and about my direction in life in general, is probably the biggest thing that causes me to suffer and feel overwhelmed by it all, and that’s what I want to work on with this healer guy. Today we did a shamanic healing process regarding anger towards my mother, who has always felt cold, distant, and threatening to me. I was in a good mood, so I didn’t really get into the resentment I feel towards her very easily; and I’ve done this kind of work before, so perhaps there’s not much left to do there.
The healer suggested I keep a journal about how I’m going, so I’m going to keep doing that here, at least while I’m seeing him. I have reservations because I generally feel better when I’m distracted by other things and getting on with life, rather than focusing on how I feel, but we’ll see how it goes.
Today, I have a mild cough and a slightly stuffy head. Physically I feel about 7 out of 10, and I feel pretty happy. I wrote a new chapter on dealing with your inner critic for my book today, and I’m looking forward to the Toastmasters conference that I’ll be attending on the next 3 days. I think it will help inspire me to keep on track towards my dream goal of being an inspiring speaker/comedian/entertainer/communicator. It may even help clarify my way forward, which would help me feel less anxious about such a diverse and uncertain career path.