Note: In November 2018 I was diagnosed with severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea.Check my most recent posts on sleep apnea.
I cried myself to sleep last night; the mood swings were really getting to me, and I just felt really depressed about how stuck I feel being ill much of the time. Lee’s advice yesterday to put my dreams on hold and avoid pushing on with the help of medication, while valid and helpful, sounded depressing. Who wants to have dreams on hold? I went to bed feeling like crap. I hadn’t cried in ages, so it felt good to have a bit of emotional release.
I had weird dreams all night, and woke up feeling really anxious. I have a morning class on Wednesdays, and I’ve never been a morning person. Even less so now. I headed off to class, feeling anxious and resentful. When it came time to do my activity in class, the teacher paired me up with another guy. We’re doing scripts in class this week, and the script is written for a guy and a girl; not two guys. I was in a filthy mood, and when the activity started, the guy I was working with was holding back, half-hearted, sly and manipulative. So I called him on all those things… and got angry… really angry. So much so that he was rather blown away by how forceful I was; didn’t know where it was all coming from.
At the end of the activity, the teacher said my work was brilliant! He asked me where I had got that from, and I said “I woke up this morning feeling really anxious!”.
“Well, do that before every class then! Your work was really good. You had a breakthrough today.” my teacher replied.
I felt so so so relieved afterwards; I was beaming. It wasn’t just the positive feedback, it was also the getting-it-off-my-chest thing. I think there’s something to the idea that when a man represses his anger, it comes out somewhere else, particularly as anxiety or depression. It made me wonder whether I could run a workshop for men on anxiety, teaching the acting technique we use. It’s very simple at heart, but incredibly liberating, especially for guys like me who have a life-time’s practise at withholding anger. After class, one of the other beginners who seems quite like me asked if we could do an activity together, because I was on fire!
I came home feeling really good; and I think that’s how I’ll spend the rest of the day, thanks… taking it easy. Feeling about 7/10. And no, I haven’t had any medication today! (Just the usual vitamin regime).
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3 Comments
Lee Lee · May 27, 2010 at 8:41 AM
oh, by the way, did you read the link I gave you?
Lee Lee · May 27, 2010 at 8:39 AM
You’re right, putting things on hold is depressing, I am sorry if I made you feel that in any way 🙁 I do stand by what I said though, I do think perhaps you are not giving your body enough of a chance to recover before you push it some more. I guess we all have to make choices that feel right for us and at a time that feel right. I just hope you don’t go beyond that point like I did. I do regret not listening to my body sooner and in all honesty it is the one and only regret I can think of in my life … well apart from not being able to save my partner …. blah blah blah …
This is all yucky stuff and I know that these emotional roller coasters contribute in a big way to all the physical stuff that is happening to our bodies.
Try to hang in there and just do the best that you can. You obviously have a HUGE amount to offer in many areas of your liife and I am sure that there is still plenty of time left for you to fullfill those dreams ……
Graham · May 27, 2010 at 1:37 PM
Yes, another friend with CFS said much the same thing; he regrets not having accepted his illness earlier, and taken things easier. Sigh.
I did look at the link; it all makes sense, but I couldn’t see a clear what-to-do-about-it. Other than rest and let the body recover. I’ve been trying some supplements suggested on
I’m still doing the Gupta stuff from time to time; I think it’s main benefit is dealing with the stress of being ill. I’m definitely happier when I’m not thinking about it, so I find distractions most helpful. I try to go with ones that don’t involve any physical exertion. Learning to play guitar has helped keep me sane-ish. I’m off to a holistic healer this afternoon to do some work around fear.