I was elated to get these results; it's the first medical test I've had in 5 years that showed any abnormality at all. So I'm not crazy after all. I also don't have adrenal fatigue; what I have is constant stress on my body due to excessive cortisol. It's a bit chicken-and-egg, and not entirely clear what is causing it, but apparently if the nighttime reading doesn't drop low enough, my body doesn't enter sufficiently restful sleep to repair itself. Next day I wake up with elevated cortisol again, and the whole thing just repeats. No wonder I feel exhausted all the time. This is pretty consistent with what Gupta says, but now that I have lab test results to prove it, I'm more convinced than ever.

So the most important thing now is to get my nighttime cortisol levels down below 5nmol/L so my body can sleep properly. My nervous system should then start repairing. To help do this, I've changed my routine so I:

• Get up at 6am every day.
• Eat and exercise before 7am (within an hour of getting up).
• Don't exercise after mid-day.
• Start winding down at 9:30pm
• Be in bed by 10pm every night

Apparently exercise raises your cortisol levels temporarily, but they peak half an hour or so after you stop, and then fall below where they would have been if you hadn't exercised. I had been exercising in the afternoon when I felt terrible, and even worse sometimes went dancing at night. So I was exercising at the wrong time of day.

Getting to sleep by 10pm is really important. It's not just how long you sleep; what hours you are asleep also makes a difference. I had read this before, but wasn't doing it religiously. I don't go out in the evenings now, unless it's to something low-energy that's directly related to reducing my stress levels. My social life is restricted to daytime for the time being, which gets pretty lonely. I do a free acting class on Tuesdays during the day run by Milk Crate Theatre, because it's really fun. We laugh a lot. Hanging out with homeless people is funnier than I would have expected.

My night time wind-down ritual involves turning the TV off early, lighting some candles, putting on some lavender aromatherapy oil in my burner, and playing relaxation music while lying on the lounge.

I'm also doing a massage course, which is good for calming the nervous system. I get together with other students to practise, so I'm getting lots of massages while also overcoming my fear of physical touch with strangers and learning a handy skill at the same time.

I was already on a low-sugar diet, so I'm still doing that. The Naturopath said that fruit was OK, and pointed out that some of the breakfast cereals I was eating had sugar in them. I'm avoiding them now.

I'm currently taking these supplements, which are intended to calm the adrenal glad, lower cortisol levels, and heal the nervous system:

• An adrenal-calming herbal tonic twice a day. I haven't asked what herbs are in it, but beware that some herbal medicines stimulate the adrenals, which isn't what you want.
• Vitamin C: 2000 mg (I take Blackmores BIO C)
• Vitamin B12: 1000 mcg
• Folic Acid: 500 mcg (No, I'm not pregnant)
• Fish Oil: >800 EPA (I take Nature's Own Liquid Fish Oil, which is easier to swallow than 3 high-potency capsules you'd need for the EPA dosage)
• A multivitamin, just for the hell of it

The Naturopath also measured my breathing, and found that it was shallow and had too low a level of CO2. High CO2 level have a calming effect on the nervous system apparently. So now I do breathing exercises where I take a long slow in breath, and an even longer slow out breath. The idea is to slow the out breath down as far as possible. "It should feel as if you just want to gasp for air", she said.

I've also been doing a regular meditation every day. After trying hundreds, I've settled on chanting the Oneness Chakra Meditation recorded by Ananda Giri because it's the most calming I've tried.

Can't say I've seen miraculous results yet, but it's early days. I was on the right track before seeing the Naturopath, but there were a few things I was doing that weren't helping me; like exercising too late in the day. The cool thing about having the cortisol test results is that I can do the test again in a few months to see if what I'm doing is having an effect on reducing the levels; even if I don't feel radically better yet. I like at least having a metric that shows I'm heading in the right direction.

I was influenced to visit the Naturopath by Daniel Neuffer's book CFS Unravelled, which recommends finding a health practitioner who is on top of this stuff. It's hard to do it on your own. I spoke to Daniel via Skype (by a freak coincidence, he went to my high school) and he seems to genuinely want to help other CFS sufferers now that he's recovered. His description of the mechanics behind CFS is the best I've come across; assuming he's right. If so, I should be all better within a few months. I recommend Daniel's book, with the reservation that following his advice hasn't healed me... yet. It will be free on Amazon next week, since he really wants to get the word out.

I also recently came across another recovering CFS sufferer named Marissa Hakansson who saw her experience of CFS as a spiritual journey, and now teaches stress-reduction techniques to other people suffering from CFS. She specializes in helping women but I still found it really helpful talking to her; like Daniel's book, it helped confirm that I was on the right path. I recommend contacting her if you're stressed out and need someone to talk to who understands where you're coming from.

I have a lot more free time now I get up so early in the morning. I'm spending it writing comedy on my home blog, in the hope of pursuing the dream of being a comedian when I've recovered. That probably won't be until next year, since getting up on stage causes a huge adrenaline/cortisol rush; which definitely isn't what I need right now. I can see now why getting up on stage and doing Improv caused me to have a meltdown. Oops.

When I'm not doing that, I'm playing my drums (but only in the mornings) or guitar. Or watching Woody Allen movies or other comedies to make me laugh. Occasionally I'll meet up with a friend during the day. That pretty much fills up the time while I recover.

I still feel more anxious than I would like more of the time than I would like. I can see that some of the personal development courses I've done over the past few years in an attempt to address this haven't been such a great idea in hindsight, given that I really had to push my body in order to get to them. I decided last night that I have power over my thoughts, and that thought makes me feel less anxious. I find this easier than doing the Stop-Stop-Stop technique that Gupta recommends, which is exhausting when the scary thoughts are coming thick and fast. Much of my anxiety is around thoughts like "This won't work! I'll never get better! I'm missing out! It's taking too long!" I'll just have to stick at it and see.

My Cortisol levels are sky high is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

I believe that CFS is a stress-related illness, and empathy is the most powerful antidote I know for stress. Having an empathy buddy also lessens my isolation and gives me a feeling that someone else understands and cares what I'm going through; all of which lessens my stress. With an empathy buddy I also get to reciprocate which means my attention isn't always just on me and my problems.

The idea of an empathy buddy comes from the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) community, also known as Empathic Communication. NVC is a style of communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg with the aim that everyone can get their needs met by communicating feelings and needs clearly and directly. Showing empathy is also a core skill for relating to other people so it's also a great thing to learn and practice in its own right.

Most of the people I know with Chronic Fatigue have a history of emotional repression and/or past emotional trauma leading to chronic stress. Having an empathy buddy gives you a safe environment to start exploring these feelings by allowing you permission to feel how you feel without being told that you're wrong or should be different.

All the CFS support groups that I've been to appeared to skirt around the issue of how everyone was really feeling, which I believe is why the groups aren't particularly helpful; they turn into a mutual misery discussion without addressing and dealing with feelings and needs directly. The most helpful group I attended was an anxiety support group which dealt almost exclusively with feelings and steered away from discussing the illness entirely.

I recently met a girl through this blog who had been suffering for 15 years with CFS and was overwhelmed with anxiety, yet had never revealed to anyone just how frightened she was for fear of judgement. I offered her empathy and watched her relax right in front of me. This is powerful stuff.

How to Work With An Empathy Buddy

Firstly, you find someone to be your buddy and agree that the purpose of your meetings is to exchange non-judgmental empathy based on feelings and needs. They don't need to have the same issues as you; they don't need to have CFS for instance. Anyone willing to follow the guidelines who you think you can trust will do.

An empathy exchange is not a time for idle conversation or chit-chat; you can potentially do this as well in a single interaction, but make sure you're very clear when you're doing the empathy exchange and when you're just socializing.

Schedule a time to talk for at least an hour, either in person or on Skype. Divide your time like this:

• 5 minutes: Brief check-in of how each of you is feeling.
• 25 minutes: Person A talks, Person B listens
• 25 minutes: Person B talks, Person A listens
• 5 minutes: Brief check-out of how each of you is feeling
• Set a time for your next exchange.

If you want a longer exchange, you can alter the times accordingly. During the main sharing part set a timer to go off 5 minutes before the end of the time so the talker knows when to start wrapping up. Stick to the structure; it helps you both relax into how you're feeling and what you're needing.

Agree at the beginning who will be the talker first, and who will be the listener. It doesn't really matter who goes first since you'll swap over later, but you just need to be clear which role you are in.

Here are some guidelines for each role:

When You're Talking

Talk about how you're feeling, and what you imagine you're needing right now. Avoid going too deeply into story about what has happened in the past. Story is useful only for triggering feelings and identifying needs. Many of us get stuck in our stories too easily and this allows us to avoid the feelings we need to get in touch with to heal.

Stick as much as possible to what is happening right now in the present. As Marshal Rosenberg says in this video, "We don't heal by talking about the past; we heal by talking about what's alive in us right now, stimulated by the past". The important thing is to identify how you're feeling and what you need because this activates the emotional center of the brain which will help relieve your stress.

Use words that describe emotions directly, like happy, sad, angry, upset, scared, anxious, furious, despondent. Avoid words that describe mental states like depressed, or physical states like tired. Instead, say how you feel about being depressed (e.g. sad) or tired (e.g. frustrated). Remember, you're trying to trigger your brain into releasing the pent-up energy behind the emotion.

If you start to cry, let the tears flow; crying is a healing stress-relief. Avoid dramatic judgements like saying that you “burst into tears”, and don't try to suppress the tears either. We've been conditioned to believe that crying is a sign of weakness and many of us have suppressed this emotion to the detriment of our health. If your tears shut down out of fear of what the listener might think, you're experiencing shame, so express the emotion behind this by saying so: “Now I'm feeling ashamed of crying in front of you”. Stick with what's happening for you in the present.

The emotional parts of our brain are primitive and child-like, so it's probably better to say that you're frightened or scared than use more adult words like anxious. Adult western vocabulary tends to steer away from emotions and the purpose here is to express and feel our way through the feelings, not to avoid or rationalize them.

If you're clear on what you're needing add it in to what you share. Don't worry if you're not clear, as the listener's role is to identify this from what you're saying.

You may feel emotions arising unexpectedly which may be frightening if you're not used to receiving non-judgmental empathy. Don't shy away from the feelings by rationalizing or going into story about something else. Just express how you feel in the moment and wait for some empathy from your listener.

Try not to go over time; respect the boundaries that you've set between you. If it's an emergency and you desperately need a lot of empathy, try to say so at the beginning so the listener knows they may not get to share this time. Line up a future meeting where they can share and you just listen. If you find yourself needing a lot of emergency empathy that's preventing mutual sharing with your buddy, get yourself another empathy buddy so you have more than one person supporting you.

When You're Listening

Your role as the listener is to provide a safe, non-judgemental space for the talker to share in while you identify how they are feeling and what they need. For the most part you just listen with this in mind. Every now and then when the talker pauses, offer a reflection following the NVC formula:

“Are you feeling X because you're needing Y?”

The talker will generally clarify whether you are accurate, if not correct you, and then continue sharing how they are feeling. Their feelings may change during the exchange, in which case you pick up on the new feelings and the needs behind them.

You don't always have to stick to the exact formula; try to vary it a bit so the talker doesn't feel like they're talking to a robot. Always remember it's all about feelings and needs, and try to communicate what you're hearing clearly. If you get stuck, just listen or use the formula: it works.

Identifying feelings and needs may be new for you since we're not educated to communicate in this way, so cut yourself some slack if you get it “wrong”. Just keep listening for feelings and needs in the talker. If you experience feelings of fear or shame around getting the reflection wrong, share that with your partner during your turn as talker so you can get empathy to heal the fear of getting things wrong that many of us have.

You are not obligated to meet the needs of the talker; your role is simply to identify what they are. Some needs may end up being met during the exchange itself; for instance the need to be heard, to be taken seriously, or to feel understood. Other needs remain the responsibility of the talker. Avoid trying to rescue of fix the situation for them either during or after the empathy exchange. Treat the other person as capable of finding ways to meet their own needs. If you do end up meeting other needs they have outside the empathy exchange, be clear on what needs of your own you are meeting in doing so. Keep the boundaries of the empathy exchange clear.

Keep all judgements about the person and what they share to yourself. Focus on how they feel and what they need, not what you think they're thinking. Avoid criticizing, making them wrong, problem-solving, offering suggestions, telling them it's all going to be OK or trying to fix things for them.

Your buddy may go through a range of emotions that they have not previously been comfortable sharing, and that you may not be entirely comfortable hearing. Notice when you're triggered emotionally by what the other person shares and share your feelings with them during your turn as speaker or during your final checkout. If you still feel these feelings later, come back to them in a future empathy exchange to get some empathy for them yourself.

You are not responsible for your buddy's feelings nor for resolving them. If they start to cry for instance, it's because they've contacted some pain or grief that they are now healing. Allow them the space to cry for as long as it takes, bearing in mind the time agreement between you. A big issue may require empathy over several sessions or with several buddies to fully heal. Even then, healing tends to happen in layers so the same issue may come up on a deeper level later on.

Avoid giving sympathy or there-there responses. If the talker seems stuck in story or is going around in circles without identifying feelings, interrupt them gently to ask them “How are you feeling right now about this?” If you get impatient or bored, it could be a sign that the talker is avoiding feelings or it could indicate painful feelings of your own that you need empathy for when it's your turn to talk.

Warnings

Getting empathy can trigger strong emotions that you may not previously have felt in full force. If it becomes overwhelming, get some professional help for what you're going through. I believe that empathy is the key healing ingredient in all effective therapies, but your empathy buddy isn't a therapist. Don't expect them to solve your problems for you and don't rely on them as your sole means of emotional support.

Your relationship with your empathy buddy may go through all the normal ups and downs of a regular relationship or friendship. If your buddy triggers strong feelings, share them in your next empathy exchange and request empathy for them. If your buddy gets defensive or critical, share how you felt in that moment and ask them simply to identify your feelings and needs. Your buddy may trigger feelings in you that aren't their fault or they may need time to learn how to offer empathy effectively. And vice-versa. If you feel unsafe or it doesn't seem to be working, find another buddy who can offer empathy in a way that makes you feel safe.

Sharing feelings is the basis of all close relationships, so don't be surprised if you end up feeling close to your buddy. I've even experienced feelings of jealousy hearing my buddy talk about her other empathy buddies! We've also had exchanges where we shared our feelings about the relationship itself and triggers that made us feel unsafe with each other, so we could get empathy to resolve our projections onto each other and establish a deeper level of trust.

Beware of becoming overly intimate with your empathy buddy, especially at the expense of your primary relationship. If have a partner, consider having a weekly empathy exchange with them where you follow this same structure. It's likely to do wonders for your relationship.

Resources

Here are some other resources that I highly recommend for learning to be a good Empathy Buddy:

• Empathy Buddy Guidelines from OpenCommunication.com
• Feelings and Needs list from NonViolentCommunication.com
• Marshall Rosenberg's book Non-Violent Communication: A Language Of Life.
• A free YouTube video of Marshall's Non-Violent Communication Introductory Workshop.

If you'd like some empathy or want to line up an empathy buddy to get some mutual emotional support around CFS, leave a comment and I'll get back to you.

Getting An Empathy Buddy is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

This morning I had a loud screaming match with myself in the car on the way to see if there was anything worth seeing at Burnham Heads. There isn't. Nevertheless, I felt anxious yet again, and very very cranky about that. A good yelling session and a hoarse voice later, I felt somewhat calmer. Spent the day playing guitar by the river inlet, in lieu of anything more exciting to do at the place.

I've spent the last 2 weeks staying in a very quiet youth hostel at Hervey Bay, on the beautiful Queensland coast. It's about 1213.8 km drive from where I live in Sydney. I got here in smallish chunks of up to 500 km per day. First stop was Newcastle, where I met some lovely ladies in the youth hostel. Then I headed for Port Macquarie, where I spent 3 days totally failing to meet up with a female friend from my old acting class. I left in a huff, and drove to Byron Bay. Stayed there for a week of torrential rain, followed by a week doing The Hoffman Process in the hope of quelling some of my anxiety. Oh, all the while still attempting to be aware of what emotions/symptoms my body is sending me ala Mickel Therapy. Then another week in Byron Bay winding down after being hit by the Hoffman truck.

And then I headed north in search of adventure, partying and women.

Big mistake.

Huge.

I was hoping that The Hoffman Process would turn me into a completely different person: someone comfortable in his own skin, who loved to party like crazy. A magnet for the ladies. In my dreams, the whole thing was destined to be a debauched affiar, with lots of great stories to tell my mates later.

Sadly, I'm still the same person I was before doing Hoffman. Goddam it! I'm still overwhelmed at parties. I ended up spending a few days on the Gold Coast in a youth hostel, which was kinda fun. There was one cute girl there who I teased and joked around with so much that she was almost asphyxiating and had to leave the room. Sadly, much of the teasing was about the fact that she had a crush on this Japanese guy who was also staying at the hostel, and wasn't me. I also failed to hook up with a cute Russian woman who was in a state of trauma when I first met her because she'd lost her dogs. I showed her some emergency empathy just when she needed it, but wasn't much help at locating the dogs, which she found the next day, just as I left town. I told her she would. Damn; had her number and everything.

Then I headed to Brisbane, where I hung out with some friends and some relatives on my father's side of the family. Hanging out with my father's relatives always gives me fresh insights into why I'm so neurotic. It's not much fun though.

After that I went to Noosa to visit my aunty. Her daughter has anorexia and we had a great discussion on why anxiety runs in our family. At least I hope it was helpful to her. I feel for her since the screwed up behaviour/genes in the family appear to have trickled in her direction and that's really not her fault. I blame grandpa personally, but this isn't a family history lesson.

Ok, after that things really heated up as I headed to Rockhampton, where it rained for a whole week. In the dry season. The hostel manager just laughed about it, while the overseas backpackers who had come half way around the world to see the place all fumed, and then got together and we all went bowling. Fuck all else to do in Rocky, to be honest if you're a backpacker; although I did go to my first rodeo where I managed to push in on the food queue and then pretend that I hadn't, much to the chagrin of one of the local ladies. My goddam conscience means I still feel bad when I'm breaking rules. Will I ever outgrow that?

A guy named Olly who I met at Rockhampton had primed me to go to Airlie Beach: the backpacker party capital of the world. He described it like some sort of shag fest, which I'm sure it is if you're comfortable in loud, alcohol-fueled environments. Which I'm not. I spent 4 sleepless nights in Beaches hostel, where the bar plays live and loud music every night until midnight, right outside my dorm room balcony. Thanks Olly, you bastard. It was a mixed dorm with guys coming in and going out at all hours, girls coming in and going out, guys with girls coming in, and going out. All except for me, it seemed. I did befriend a few people, and went on a day trip to Whitehaven beach which is just amazingly beautiful. As happens in backpacker land, all my new befriends left after a while although one of them was kind enough to give me a copy of The Hunger Games which I was interested in reading. Another girl asked for a lift north, where I was planning to go next. It's never the cute ones though, is it? I gave up trying to meet people in the loud nightclubs, and decided to try during the day instead. Then anxiety got the better of me, even though a few women I approached around the lagoon were happy to talk to me. It's always the ones that don't want to talk to me that trigger my inner critic to put that old dagger into my self-esteem, and I just feel like a stalker walking up to a stranger and saying high anyway. Fucking goddam negative beliefs. The Japanese girl really liked me, and the two French girls were really friendly. But still, four days of this and my head was about to melt down with anxiety so I decided to hotfoot it back to Sydney to the comfort of friends who love me. If I still have any left...

On the way down the Bruce highway, I decided to break the boredom and drive through one of the stupid little rest stop lanes they have by the side of the road. I wondered whether the car in the distance behind me would follow, completely failing to realize that it was a police car. What are the chances of that??? He pulled me over and threatened to charge me with dangerous driving. Gave me the spiel about how I was doing stupid things on the most dangerous stretch of road in Queensland. I had to use my full powers of grovelling to get out of it. "I feel like a complete idiot", "I've done the wrong thing officer", "I think I've learned my lesson sir". Bloody authority figures make me anxious too. "Did you even bother to look in your mirror to see if there was anything behind you?" he asked. "Yes, I did... " I pleaded lamely. "Well didn't you see the big blue POLICE car behind you???" he asked, still stiff lipped and cranky. "Yes, but it was so far back I didn't see the police sign... I'm an idiot". He let me off, after pointing out that it would be a long way to come for my court appearance. Thanks officer.

I got as far as Hervey Bay after a nightstop in Rockhampton to meet up with Olly and tell him what a dickhead he is. Turns out he was a decent bloke, and has since been giving me updates on the goings on at the hostel there. (I knew that German guy selling the used computer equipment was gonna get kicked out). Having arrived in Hervey Bay, it occurred to me that being away from loud drunk backpackers could be a good thing, and since it's off-season here I decided to stay for a while. Then I immediately came down with the flu, and have spent the two weeks since then taking mega-doses of vitamin C, playing guitar, reading The Hunger Games and Dead Famous by Ben Elton.

Now I seem to be over the flu, I'm back to exercising a bit more. That makes me feel less nervous, and I like the feeling of putting a bit of muscle on again. I'll probably visit Fraser Island (the world's largest sand island, thanks Bruce Highway trivia) before I leave. Not real keen to head south given that it's cold down there. Not real keen to stay here given it's not my home.

My head is still filled with the usual worries about how to get well, what to do with the rest of my life (which depends a lot on the outcome of worry #1), and how to meet up with a bevy of gorgeous women who all think I'm awesome. Or even just the one special one for that matter.

I sent an angry email to my Mickel Therapist yesterday, so although I'm still focused on that, I wonder if he's still talking to me. Pretty sure another friend of mine who I had a ridiculous argument with on Facebook the other day isn't. Nor my hot friend in the U.S. whose relationship status has just changed to "In a relationship". Hi all if you're reading. Ok, that's enough for now. I'm off to bed.

Goddam it, I'm angry!!! is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

Have you got anything out of Mickel? I am now onto a new theory that I believe is the key to unlocking us. Have you read DRS Peter Levine, David Berceli... both guys are into Trauma Recovery. Childhood trauma ... repression... has locked our fight/flight energy cycle and their are exercises to release it thru shaking/trembling.

The main thing I’ve got out of Mickel is that it’s changed my thinking about what to do when I feel really tired in the afternoons. I used to go lie down. Now, I go out and move my body in some way. I’ve improved to the point where I now exercise regularly and feel no ill effects afterwards; I think being on the adrenal fatigue diet for about 8 months now contributed to this because I remember noticing that I wasn’t so shaky any more before starting Mickel therapy. So my fitness is now improving too; probably faster than my health. I still tense in the head a lot, but I can think straight so that’s not so bad.

I have read Waking The Tiger by Peter Levine, and it made a lot of sense to me. The trauma of growing up hypersensitive in an environment of conflict was heightened for me by my belief that I had to keep my emotions to myself. If I was shaking out of fear, or crying, I would try very hard to suppress it. I can now see that this is the exact opposite of what is needed for the body to recover and avoid internalising the trauma. It makes sense to me that the amygdala and/or hypothalamus could get stuck in this fight-flight-freeze state. I often feel shivers running through my body when doing emotional release work; I have tried to bring them on using somatic experiencing as described in Waking The Tiger, but found the process frustrating. I think moving my body when I feel unwell also helps unlock the tension that’s still stored there.

I feel a bit raw today as I’ve just completed The Hoffman Process, which dives deep into negative patterns learned from parents when we were children. I did it to try and deal with the anxiety that hit me earlier this year; my Mickel therapist said that anxiety was common and indicated that the treatment was working, but I found it very distressing; traumatising in its own right. I identified a heap of negative patterns doing Hoffman, and the ones that led me to suppress emotion seemed particularly relevant to being ill. I was glad my fitness had improved before doing Hoffman because I found it very physically demanding. It’s like all the most intense therapeutic processes you can imagine all crammed into one intense week. I felt a lot of anger towards my mother coming up, but felt stuck when it came to my father. Then finally anger towards my father came up as transference to other course participants in the final half hour of the post-course tutorial. It was too late to do much with in the process, but I’ll be taking up boxing to dig deeper into that.

I figure all this black stuff in the subconscious adds to the anxiety load that triggers the fight-flight-freeze thing but the proof will be in the pudding over the next few months. I’m almost tempted to say I don’t have CFS any more; I just have a lot of tension in my head that makes me tired sometimes. As long as I avoid stressful situations, my flu-like symptoms are quite tolerable... just like having a slightly runny nose.

PS: Just to make all the Aussies jealous, I'm on holidays in Byron Bay for the next week, then headed north to explore Queensland's east coast. Good times!

CFS and Trauma Recovery is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

On the down side, since starting Mickel I've felt more panicy, anxious and depressed than I have for some time. I feel tense in the head all the time (although that started several months before) and the feeling of constant fear sends me crazy. I also go to a depression & anxiety support group where the leader is convinced that my physical symptoms are due to anxiety; technically I shouldn't be doing any other kind of therapy while I'm doing Mickel, but I have no idea how to do that without going completely insane. I need other people to talk to about this whole thing. I have a pretty big fear of going downhill into some crazy depressed/anxious state and not ever coming out again. When I'm really anxious, the negative thoughts just go ballistic and I end up feeling really anxious just about being anxious.

On the up side, applying the third key to Mickel therapy has motivated me to get out more and have more fun. I've been going dancing again about once per week, something I used to love doing before falling ill. I don't seem to have any after-effects from the physical exertion, like I used to. I only stay for half the lesson and just focus on having fun. I used to focus on picking up women at dancing; that was always a big part of the attraction for me. Now I'm trying to focus on just dancing, enjoying the music, and the company of the women who seem to like me and enjoy dancing with me. Perhaps I should have asked for that cute girl's number; but which one? I've fallen into trouble before when I asked for the number of the best friend of another girl I'd been hanging out with a little, not realizing they were best friends...

I've also been doing a greater variety of physical activity, on the assumption that my body is bored. The main element of Mickel therapy is identifying what emotion is underlying the symptoms as they arise, and taking some action to address the emotion involved. My symptoms don't vary all that much and I struggle to apply this part of the process. I hate taking notes and it's just so fucking boring. I can't see any great correlation between the symptoms and anything I try to do to address the emotion underneath them. My bullshit detector keeps going off, telling me this is probably a load of crap, even though much of it is consistent with other things I've been learning about how the brain operates. I'm still skeptical of how a suppressed emotion could generate the feeling that I've got a cold all the time. I get angry with my Mickel therapist when he starts talking about the theory behind it, half of which sounds like something out of a new age Louise Hay book to me. Being ill for four years has certainly put me in touch with my inner cynic and I feel like giving up. Usually in the afternoon between about 2pm and 4pm, when I usually feel like a narcoleptic puppy dog desperately in need of a sleep. Apparently that's just "false tiredness" in Mickel lingo, so I try to go out and do something fun/interesting/less boring instead like ride my bicycle, play guitar, visit a friend or go to the beach. I'm really sick of this whole thing sucking my life energy out of me when what I really want is to be out doing something creative and rewarding. Not trying to get well all the goddam time!

I went to an Inner Child bootcamp two weeks ago, which was all about healing some of the emotional scars I was still carrying from childhood. It was fun at the time and I met some really compassionate people who were also working on their own stuff. I felt exhausted afterwards; I guess emotional healing is just plain tiring. Not doing it is also tiring, so what to do?

I've been feeling anxious a lot lately and that's the worst part of this whole thing. I can cope with feeling tired, but feeling anxious really bugs me. I don't feel so bad when I'm doing something creative. I seem to have the capacity to worry about just about anything. I think I might have a go at worrying about alien invasion or something else that I'm dead certain will never happen. People sometimes say that we always worry about things that never end up happening; but I remember worrying about getting CFS before falling ill, so that's like a kick in the guts.

I alternate a lot between feeling cranky/angry and feeling anxious. I think I prefer angry.

I haven't been posting much because I've been focusing on the third key of Mickel therapy, which is to meet a balance of my own needs, and that means not sitting behind a computer screen blogging all day. Instead I've been playing keyboard and guitar more, and going out more. I love playing guitar by the beach. I fantasize about some hot blonde bombshell in a skimpy bikini seeing me play guitar while walking past, thinking "Hmm... musician!" and sitting down next to me to chat. I end up back at her place learning how to untie a bikini. That sounds like a positive note to end on, and I hear my guitar calling...

Update on Mickel Therapy progress is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

It seems like the panic attacks I used to get years ago are back. Frankly, that scares the living shit out of me. I could hardly sleep on Friday night (Good Friday my ass!) and found some solace listening to this talk about being overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and panic. When I hear the fear in the woman's trembling voice as she asks her question of the spiritual guru starting "I am overwhelmed with fear and anxiety and panic..." I start to cry, which is a good tension release. His answer is comforting too. There seems to be something deep in my unconscious that's terrified of something. Fuck knows exactly what, or what to do about it. I like to think that it's at the very root of all my anxieties about what other people think of me, about women, about relationships, about being wrong and/or foolish, about failure, about not feeling good enough and about feeling self-conscious, hypervigilant and just generally bloody insecure. In my fantasies I root this troublesome bastard out and get to live the rest of my life feeling free (and healthy as a bonus).

I've recently given up Toastmasters since it seems pointless learning to deal with anxiety up on stage when I can't handle the feelings of panic I get just lying down to sleep. I also recently bailed out of an Improv contest as just the thought of being on stage and out of control was causing me to feel panicy. That's a massive bummer because I actually really love playing Improv games, and I was hoping to fall into a new circle of friends and a new community there. Maybe that's still possible, but it looks like I'm going to be in the audience for the time being; probably feeling envious of my friends on stage having so much fun. My dream of one day being a professional public speaker, comedian or comic actor seems totally shot to pieces right now. Oh well, I seem to have lost my sense of humour anyway.

A huge fear that I feel is about what other people think of me. As long as I can remember, I've felt afraid of social situations while also having an intense craving to connect with other people, feel appreciated, loved and validated by others. I wish I could switch this off and just feel free. That craving is strongest when I see a woman I find attractive, and that's when the fear is most crippling too. I feel like a failure having not found a life partner at 43 years old, and one of my childhood fears was precisely this. For some strange reason I always saw marriage as a prerequisite for happiness when I was a kid, which is particularly odd given how turbulent my parent's relationship seemed to be. I also remember feeling very fearful after a few weeks of feeling ill way back in 2008 that maybe I had chronic fatigue. They may just be self-fulfilling prophecies but for me it appears that some of my biggest fears have been coming true lately and this also scares the crap out of me.

I feel like an abject failure personally. All this fear, anxiety and panic has undermined my self-confidence and is the exact opposite of the sort of man I long to be. I think this puts a terrible barrier in the way of my relationships with women that I'm attracted to since I get overwhelmed with panic just meeting them, and this makes me even more fearful of how they respond to me. I don't have a problem relating to women as friends since I'm pretty open nowadays, but when I meet a girl I really like and find sexually attractive my head just puts this massive self-sabotaging barrier in the way. I recently met a really cute, fun girl at Improv who I like, and she gets on like a house-on-fire with another guy who seems so laid back. Meanwhile I sit there watching feeling jealous and insecure. I hate feeling so insecure, and this fatigue is bringing it all to the surface. I'm going to a Tantra retreat for men next weekend which may help but I'm already pretty jaded and don't see any magic answers to my anxieties around being openly sexual with women. Ironically I've just published a book on confidence and I realize all-too-painfully that I don't live up to my own expectations. Other people seem to find my advice helpful, but I can't really say I've nailed the problem myself and I hate feeling like a fraud. That's a double-whammy since I was relying on the book as a source of income to lessen my financial anxiety and so now that's not likely to work either.

My Mickel Therapist says that it's normal for symptoms to get worse when people start the therapy, which gives me a small sense of hope that this is just a passing thing. But I'm also pretty skeptical at the moment about this therapy and just want some concrete results. I continue to go to an anxiety and depression support/therapy group twice a week which brings up stuff for me, but it seems like a long-haul process. The guy who runs it wants to see me one-on-one but I'm reluctant to start therapy with yet-another-therapist. I think I've done enough talking and need to do something more primal like hit something or someone instead; if only I wasn't afraid of it leaving me feeling exhausted. If the Mickel Therapy doesn't work, I plan to take up Brazillian Ju Jitsu and Mai Thai kickboxing to see if some mindful violence can help with the anxiety. I've only been doing Mickel for a few weeks but I'm just so desperate for the fear to subside and my skepticism is causing me to look for alternatives already.

All this whiny complaining bugs me too. I swear I'm not just doing it for attention, or at least not consciously. The tension in my head and the fear and panic are real and overwhelming. I hate feeling like a victim to all the bullshit in my head, especially when I've read so many books and done so many courses on positive thinking, emotional healing, therapy and all the rest of it. The thought "Why would any attractive woman want to go out with me like this?" pretty much sums up the crux of my relationship anxiety. I'm fucked. Actually, some sex would be a nice distraction come to think of it... Don't get me started on that frustration. I've just started reading Portnoy's Complaint and although I'm not Jewish and didn't masturbate until very late in life because I thought it was sinful, I can relate to a lot of what he says about his mother. Reminds me a bit of one of my favorite Woody Allen films Oedipus Wrecks in New York Stories. I've read a heap of books on women, dating and seduction and they all seem to involve putting on a persona that feels fake and frightening to me. I like acting and all, but anything that feels even the slightest bit deceptive triggers huge stress in me and fear of being caught, getting things wrong, etc etc. Yet I dropped into a pub to listen in to some live music down in Bondi the other night after therapy group, and saw this guy there with tattoos acting like a jerk to this bunch of women... he started going off at one of them about being jealous of him hitting on another girl (who was clearly enjoying it at the time) and a few minutes later they were all over him hugging, arms around him, wanting his attention. Complete opposite of my experience. I know it's my responsibility to "fix" this if I ever want a relationship with an attractive woman, and I hate just whining about how unfair it is that women go for bad boys over decent shy guys but... fuck it, I can't even be bothered finishing this sentence.

Mickel therapy is all about feelings and my therapist says that the anxiety is just because my pressure cooker of emotions is full and so anxiety comes bursting out. I want to release the pressure so I'm trying to avoid too much analytical thinking and just stay with my emotions. Similar deal with the group therapy. I can see that I have a long history of avoiding painful feelings of loneliness, sadness and fear by getting engrossed in the head-space of computers so I've been trying to avoid that... with mixed success. I spend time playing songs on guitar that express how I feel, and I recently borrowed a bunch of books on guitar playing and songwriting from the library. One day I'd like to be able to express my distraught feelings through my own songs. That's part of what I see myself doing on stage in my dreamy future imagination. Meanwhile I'm working on Cold Chisel's You Got Nothing I want, which is how I feel about the situation I'm in... the thought of a good scream seems quite comforting. I'm also working my way through the library's massive DVD collection in the hope of finding more joy and fun in the midst of my exhaustion.

Surely there's more to life than just battling with fear. When do I get to have some good old fashion fun?

Overwhelmed with fear and anxiety is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

I'm not going to go into an analysis of how Mickel Therapy works because it's all about getting in touch with the emotions behind the symptoms I'm feeling, and analytical thinking suppresses emotions. I was swayed by the description on Kim Ayers's blog about his experience of Mickel Therapy. Kim was also in a documentary about the treatment.

I can already see that some of my symptoms may be my body's way of telling me "I'm Bored!" and have decided to do more fun things that I've been putting off on the premise that I don't have the energy. For instance I finally went to see the Picasso exhibition at the Art Gallery of New South Wales on Monday, which was really cool.

I'm going to continue to go to the therapy group I go to twice a week, which helps me get in touch with my emotions and express them verbally, while I also use the Mickel Therapy tools to take action in response to emotions and symptoms. I'm cautiously optimistic. Time will tell, and I'll keep you informed of any breakthroughs and particularly of how I feel during the process.

Today I'm going to grab some breakfast/lunch, watch a coach training DVD, ride my bicycle briefly (after fixing the flat tyres since I haven't ridden it in 4 years), and go to a coach training session in the afternoon. Tonight I'll chill out with a good movie DVD.

Right now, I feel pretty calm, a little excited, and a little anxious.

Just started Mickel therapy is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

I've also finally decided to drop a lot of the fun stuff I was doing that was causing me more stress. I can see that I habitually do too much stuff, and while it was all great stuff to do, I was just feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time. I've decided to quit Toastmasters and put my plans to become a comedian on hold. I feel like I'm giving up my dreams, but it's necessary if I'm going to have a life that feels worth actually living. Meanwhile I'm going to keep writing in the mornings when I feel fairly motivated, and take the afternoons off to meditate and play guitar. I think this should be sustainable.

For the last few months I've also been going to group therapy sessions three times a week. The facilitator gets us to focus on expressing how we feel, and everyone in the group triggers everyone else so the process flows along nicely. It's all about getting out of my head and into my feelings. I think this is contributing to me feeling less anxious, plus I've taken the opportunity to express a few emotions that I felt were inappropriate like lust and anger; I always know I'm making progress when my heart is racing and my head is thinking "What will they think?". That's my cue to share what's really going on. Some other friends tell me I'm really brave for doing this, but for me it's just what I need to do to heal some of the internal shame that keeps me feeling anxious, overwhelmed and burned out.

I have also been doing a little research into Mickel Reverse therapy, which is based on a similar premise to the Gupta programme that the body gets stuck in fight-or-flight mode, but the focus is on the hypothalamus instead of the amygdala. The idea is to identify the emotions underneath physical symptoms and learn to deal with the emotion so the symptom goes away. I suspect that dealing more directly with emotions would make Mickel therapy more powerful than Gupta. But it also sounds very similar to what I'm doing in the therapy group, so I'm wondering whether it's worth splashing out the $1300 it would cost for a series of Mickel sessions. I have a hunch they're going to teach me to do things I'm already doing; but maybe it'd be more efficient and I'd get better faster. If that's the case, it's probably worth it. Meanwhile my cash is running low and my online business is taking off much slower that I'd like, so financial stress causes me more anxiety than I'd like. Hopefully a zillion guys will hit my website soon and I'll start earning consistently... but who knows.

I've also added Vitamin B12 supplements to my diet, since it's meant to be good for the nervous system. Aside from that I don't take any exotic supplements: just a multi-vitamin and some Vitamin C each day. Can't say I've ever felt any real effect from any vitamin supplements but the B12 may be working to make my body less jittery. Here's hoping.

Meanwhile I've been applying my no-rush rule more consistently the last few days, and taking more time out to just relax and enjoy life. I was running around from one healing workshop/coaching session to another lately and it was giving me headaches. People kept telling me that slowing down is the answer and I think I'm finally starting to listen.

Less shaky in my body, more tense in my head is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

I've been pretty up-and-down lately with lots of headaches and exhaustion; but I'm taking it easy today and not feeling too bad. I've been going to a therapy group to deal with anxiety, and that seems to be helping. I did some negative belief work with a woman I met on the internet; but I'm not sure it was effective enough to justify the cost. I haven't been doing my Art Of Living practice so much lately, but I think the 3 months I spent doing it hard-core helped get my lung muscles back into shape. Lately I've also been doing some light weight work with dumbbells & sit-ups on the days when I don't feel too bad. I've also been sticking to the diet principles in the Adrenal Fatigue book.

I work for myself as a writer but I don't earn much money yet and haven't been very motivated lately; but maybe I just need to take it easy anyway. My last project didn't really take off, and I'm keen to move on but I don't like writing when I don't feel inspired. I've watched 5 Woody Allen movies in the last week, and listened to the first 6 Harry Potter books on CD since last month; I chalk that up to "research".

Embracing the idea of just experiencing whatever I feel, rather than struggling against it, has given me a little more peace of mind. Yet other times I just feel really angry. In a repressed kind of way.

Oddly enough I've just got into an Improv show which I'm really looking forward too; somehow when I'm on stage I don't feel the anxiety so much. I just don't think I have time to feel it. How weird is that?

So how am I doing? Woody Allen and Harry Potter will tell you is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

I've been using the free meditation download they offer, and I quite like it. I figure anything that reduces stress is good for this illness whatever the underlying cause turns out to be. I could relate to a lot of what they say in their Essentials Guide which you get for free when you register on the site. I am a A Type driven person, and many of my friends with CFS are (or at least, were before they fell ill) too. They take a holistic approach and are offering a support community, which is probably particularly helpful if you don't know anyone else who is suffering from CFS, has recovered or really understands what we go through. I don't know if it's worth 19 pounds a month, but I've spent a lot more than that on my recovery so far. It's probably worth at least having a look at what they're offering.

That said, I sure hope they have a sense of humour! After you enter your email address, watch their video.

Then have a look at this hilarous parody:

After all, laughter is the best stress relief...

Anyone Tried The Chrysalis Effect Programme? is a post from Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog