Woke up this morning feeling depressed and washed out. “Unrefreshing sleep”, as they say. Well, I’ve never been a morning person so this is just more of the same. I think it was mainly about feeling overwhelmed and the zoned-out feeling in my head doesn’t help. I tried some anti-histamines yesterday to see if it did anything to my nasal congestion; but it did not. I also tried some Benadryl PE cough suppressant to try and help me get to sleep last night, and I think that helped a bit.
This afternoon I went to my men’s group, which I really enjoyed. There’s something about having a group of guys who don’t judge you; who accept you for who you are and where you’re at. I few years ago I would never have told anyone that I was depressed; the stigma would have been too great and I would have felt ashamed. But what do you know… everyone in the group has been depressed at one time or another. It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s not what you want, but it’s part of the whole experience of being human.
Meanwhile, I have big plans for the future, and I’m working towards them. For some time I’ve been working towards becoming a professional public speaker or comedian. I’m not exactly sure how it’s going to pan out, but I’ve got a few ideas for going forward. The main thing to deal with is my fear of failure. It’s unlikely that I’m going to hit the nail on the head first go, but I’m tired of feeling listless and like I’m not going anywhere. My fatigue is worst on the days when I have to get up in the mornings, but I cope reasonably well in the evenings. So evening gigs should be do-able. I need to keep reminding myself to be patient because it’s going to take some time to get the skills that I need and to do the networking that I need in order to get bookings. In the meantime, I’ll coach other people and pass on the communication skills that I’ve learned so far – They say that the way to fulfil your dreams is to help others fulfil theirs. Having a direction of some sort leaves me feeling more optimistic and less anxious than when I just have a vague plan and little real direction.
This week started off well enough, with an awesome weekend where I went way over the top. I’ve spent the rest of the week sleeping every spare moment, in an attempt to recover. Which has been really rough. So I could use a laugh, and maybe you could use one too, courtesy of my favourite comic: Tim Minchin…
I had a good day today; acting class was really fun. I did an exercise with one of the girls in the class where I was teasing her about flirting with me, and it was hysterical. One of the guys said I was “effortlessly funny”, and should take up comedy. Another guy in my class is a comedian, and he’s very encouraging. I’d love to do it. I think I might.
I’m sooooo tired though. This afternoon I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep; but I know when I do that I wake up feeling much worse, and then have really bad insomnia in the evening. What a cruel joke: exhaustion and insomnia all in the one package. So I forced myself to stay awake, went for a walk in the afternoon and played my guitar down by the river near where I live. It felt good, in between burst of feeling exhausted.
Came home and cooked dinner, and watched a bit of So You Think You Can Dance. I used to love dancing and really got into that show. Now it’s a bit painful to watch, and I don’t really have time anyway. Then I headed to bed feeling like lead. Couldn’t sleep though, dammit. I’m overtired. I feel upset, but detached. I want to cry, but don’t. I want to scream, but don’t. I feel so frustrated I could burst, but I don’t. I just feel kinda blank. And really tired.
There was an article in the Herald yesterday about CFS. Some poor girl who’s bed-ridden and in pain all the time, on the verge of death practically. An extreme case I guess. I should be thankful mine isn’t anywhere near as bad, but I’m just resentful about not feeling well. It’ll be two years on Monday. I think about killing myself sometimes, fantasise about escaping the whole thing. I really just want it all to go away and leave me alone. There are so many things I want to do that I don’t have time to do them all, and find it difficult to choose a new career path. It’s all on permanent hold while I feel so crap anyway. What a bugger. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing. Fuck this, I’m tired of hearing myself whinge about it. I’m gonna go read my email and hit some online dating services or something. Forget about being tired for a while.
I find myself getting really sleepy around 4 or 5pm, and got into the habit of having a lie down and a brief snooze. Trouble is, I generally wake up a half hour later feeling really shattered… much worse than before I had the lie down. I also tend to have a lot of trouble getting to sleep at night, and recently while reading the section on sleep in The Happiness Handbook, I was reminded that sleeping during the day isn’t good for insomniacs like me.
So I promised myself the other day that I was going to stop having a mid afternoon nap. I broke my promise yesterday, thinking “But I feel soooooo tired!” Well yes, I did, but that was nothing compared to how I felt when I woke up after about half an hour. I felt like my head had been backed over by a truck. Several times. I was due to give a presentation at Toastmasters that evening, which meant dragging my sorry ass out and waking up enough to speak coherently. Fortunately I’m really good at that, and it went down without a hitch. I’m glad I had the thing prepared the day before; I often leave things to the last minute, and that’s not good when a truck starts reversing mid-afternoon.
Invariably when I go for a lie down and have a quick snooze, I don’t get back to sleep again after waking up. I just lie there staring at the ceiling feeling washed out. It’s a bit like the effect I used to get the day after a really bad migraine. Oddly enough I don’t get migraines any more, which is one reason why I think my CFS is stress-related. I can see that my migraines were caused by the stress of compulsively pushing myself to achieve achieve achieve all the time unrelentingly.
Anyway, so next time I head towards the bedroom mid-afternoon because I’m feeling exhausted, remind me to go out and go for a walk or something, and get a decent night’s sleep instead. Slap me about if necessary until I get the message.