I need more energy, the teacher says!

I’m  just going to go stream-of-consciousness with this one:

Went to acting class today. We do “activities” and “doors”, where we work together in pairs. One person is doing an activity in their lounge room, when the other interrupts at the door. The two of us dialogue using repetition, both attempting to get our needs met without directly saying what we want. The inherent conflict inevitably leads to drama.

My activity today was practising Auslan, on the premise that I’d met a deaf girl on an Internet dating site, and my sign language was really rusty so I needed to practise. My Auslan dictionary is difficult to use at the best of times; even more so when I’m nervous because I’ve got an audience watching me. When the partner knocked on the door, things went OK from there. Shit, I can’t even remember who my partner was! Has my short-term memory gone too, or was I just always too self-focused to remember stuff like that? Maybe both.

Anyway, the feedback from the teacher was that “my rep lacks energy”, and I need to boost it up more. Actors do this, because otherwise we end up looking dull and subdued. I think that’s mostly because I’ve always been rather inhibited (or rather, I learned to be because I’m a sensitive person and when I acted more outgoing, I often got hurt). But nevertheless, the message that I need to put more energy into it naturally made me wonder where I’m going to get that from. And it restarted me thinking: Do I lack energy because I’m ill, or am I ill because I lack energy?

Anyway, I’m coughing away as I write this, and feel like I’ve got a mild headache. I woke up with one at 5am this morning and took some Nurofen, went back to bed and felt mostly better by the time I had to get up for class at 8:30 this morning. At the moment, I just feel the usual crap run-down afternoon version of ill.

Love-life wise, things are interesting. I’ve been chatting on the Internet with the woman I had lunch with on Sunday. She sent me pics of her artworks, which I think is quite brave for a creative person to do, suggesting that she trusts me. One was a partially-nude self-portrait, although she only fessed up that it was a self-portrait later via SMS… still, lots of trust there if you ask me! Meanwhile, I’ve fallen pretty badly for a girl at acting class who is both very pretty, and very sweet. A seemingly rare combination. And on the way to rep last night I started chatting up a pretty girl I met at the bus stop, who was unusually friendly for a stranger; we ended up sitting together on the (almost-empty) bus and having a really fun conversation. Perhaps I’m more approachable with my head shaved. I’ve also been working on my conversation skills lately, so it was great to have some success just enjoying talking to an attractive stranger, making her laugh and brightening her day. She seemed quite interested in talking to me: made eye contact and said “hi” when she first sat down, asked about my guitar playing and acting. My pick-up line/opener (note this down all you single guys!) was: “What the heck’s with this weather?”, and just ad-libbed from there. I paniced slightly when she got off the bus earlier than I expected and I slipped her my business card; not a particularly classy move, and given that we both catch that bus regularly I probably didn’t need to do that. I’ll probably see her again. I’ve always felt that the thing that I lacked when it came to relationships was options; I dated people just because they were willing to date me, and didn’t feel like I was in a position to be choosy. Nice to see that changing a bit. Just gotta get that girl from acting class out of my head… she has a boyfriend!

I have a Toastmasters meeting tonight, where I’m doing the timing. Very easy. I even have a short semi-impromptu spiel prepared for when I give the report. That should give me a boost. Meanwhile, I’m off to play a little guitar. I think I’ve developed a Pavlovian association between feeling ill and sitting at the laptop, so after a while it just makes me want to run screaming from the room. Like about now! See ya!

Stayed out late, woke up with a mild headache

I went out to the city last night to see if I could meet some people here in Canberra. My friends are either away or not answering their email! So I want to meet some new people. Went to a couple of pubs and mustered up the courage to approach some people and say “Hi”… something I’ve never done before. Only about 50% seemed receptive, but that was enough to have a few conversations. Didn’t risk dancing or anything too energetic like that, but stayed out until about 1:30am.

Got home and had trouble sleeping. I was felt proud of my courage at meeting some new people. No idea what lasting impact that would have on the amygdala: I certainly felt stressed at the time, but quite courageous afterwards. Let’s hope it helps.

Today I woke up early and with a mild headache. I’ve had worse; I used to get screaming migraines. Took Nurofen, slept a bit more and felt better. I spent some time surfing other Chronic Fatigue Blog sites, and came across a mix of positive and negative comments about it . Did some Stop-Stop-Stop to get over the influence of the negative comments. Listened to the meditation CD this afternoon. Gonna stay in tonight so I feel better tomorrow.

Headaches today

Well it probably didn’t help that I stayed up until 2am chatting online to a girl I recently dated. Felt quite exhausted today, and went to bed in the afternoon with a headache. I’ve decided to prioritise what I want to do tomorrow, and spend the evening chilling out in front of the TV. I’ve been working a bit manically the past few days, and that probably isn’t helping. There’s so much stuff I want to do!

I’ve been doing the Stop-Stop-Stop thing a few times today. Either I’m not conscious of my negative thoughts, or when I have them, I find myself having more even just while I’m doing the routine. I could be Stop-Stop-Stop’ing indefinitely!

My eyes are aching so I’m out of here. I’ll watch the next DVD session tomorrow.