What I Have Been Dealing With This Week

Stress can make you sick, and being sick all the time is stressful. I can see how that can become self-perpetuating. One of the antidotes to stress is to share what’s going on for us with other people. A burden shared is a burden lightened. This goes against my suck-it-up-boy programming, which is another reason to do it, to break the emotional isolation cycle.

Time For A BreakSo here’s what I’ve been dealing with in the past week:

  • Serious doubt about whether I can pursue comedy right now, given my current physical health situation. I’ve done a couple of open mike gigs lately, and they went well; but I just didn’t enjoy them. I might have to stick to watching comedy for the time being.
  • Having a constant tension headache which sometimes makes my belief that everything is perfect as it is, challenging.
  • Putting my original SELP project on hold because I feel inauthentic, I hate sharing about it, and I feel like I’ve done my old pattern of taking on something that then overwhelms me.
  • Tweeting an offer to register my first paying coaching client saying that I coach people to help them recover from chronic fatigue syndrome, and getting hate tweets in response.
  • Writing a blog article about the impact of hate & criticism from strangers on me, and enjoying some new connections with other people struggling with the same issue.
  • Really enjoying seeing the progress that my existing coaching clients are making.
  • Having one of my coaching clients drop out, and needing to replace them in order to get my coaching qualification by the end of the year.
  • Getting an angry email from a client about something I said during our session.
  • Talking to a new male friend (who I am hoping to recruit as a paying coaching client) about the impact of our families of origin, upbringing and bullying at school; and waking up with a headache the next day. Every time I see or talk in depth about my mother, I end up with a migraine.
  • Putting my feelings on the line by telling a very close friend that I love her, and then feeling super awkward. Telling her I need some time out to let my feelings for her fade. (She has a boyfriend, and lives overseas; so not exactly surprisingly, but I told her because I needed closure one way or another)
  • Attempting to move on emotionally. Meeting other girls, and finding my old panic arising again to stop me in my tracks. Feeling super frustrated with myself over the times my fear blocks me from connecting with other people.
  • Feeling inspired to record some of the music that I play, and even make my own music video.
  • Feeling anxious that Christmas is coming up, and a long-standing conflict with my mother is unresolved.
  • Questioning whether The Landmark Forum is really an emotionally safe environment that I would want to recommend to other sensitive people. The teaching is great, but the way Landmark deals with emotions doesn’t feel safe to me.
  • Having my 30 year high school reunion. I kinda thought I’d have my shit together by Back To The Future day.
  • Feeling emotionally exhausted from all the above.
  • Misplacing my hover board.

What have you been dealing with?

A Breakthrough in the Healthy Expression of Anger

Up until recently, are used to suppress/repress/internalise my anger. In fact, I now believe this is one of the main reasons why I came down with CFS. But now, after a lot of anger expression workshops, therapy, and non-violent communication practice, things are starting to change for me.

Do You Express Your Anger Constructively?
Do You Express Your Anger Constructively?

On the weekend, I attended yet another anger expression workshop called “Feel and Heal Anger”. The idea behind the workshop was that when were out of touch with our anger, we often internalise it self-destructively or project it outwards onto other people as violence or other forms of abuse, both of which are unhealthy.

The aim of the workshop was to get in touch with our anger and express it in ways that didn’t hurt anybody else, or ourselves. There were boundary setting exercises, group sharing, and dynamic burn meditations to help us process the anger and the grief that lies underneath it.

At this particular workshop, I felt more sadness and grief that anger and rage. But I figure if I’m feeling emotions, then the process must be working. I had a fairly sleepless night after the workshop as my body was still processing feelings that came up for me.

Continue reading “A Breakthrough in the Healthy Expression of Anger”

Fear

I went out to lunch today with a friend I used to work with, about 10 years ago. I hadn’t seen him since falling ill, and it was good to catch up again… even though my story wasn’t as enlightened as I would have liked.

After getting home, I was tidying up when I heard water splashing outside on my balcony. Bit odd that, considering that it’s a bright sunny day here today. I’ve had problems with dirty water running down onto my balcony from the balcony of the unit above before, and had asked the guy who lives there if he could put something under their potplants to catch the excess water. Yet still it kept happening, and I’ve sort of been avoiding dealing with the problem. So I wandered upstairs to knock on my neighbour’s door. Just standing there I felt a rush of fear and my heart starting to race; yet what did I have to lose in this social interaction? My planned speech went something like:

“Hi, I’m Graham from downstairs. I’m wondering if you could help me with a problem I’m having. I’ve just noticed dirty water flowing down onto my balcony from above, and I’d like to find out where it’s coming from so I can stop it”.

Fairly non-threatening kinda stuff. By the time the door opened, my heart was racing. When the woman finally opened the door, she looked frazzled and I think what actually came out of my mouth was more like:

“Hi, I’m Graham from downstairs. I’ve got this dirty water running down onto my balcony, and I’m wondering where it’s coming from”.

Not exactly what I intended to say, but still not too bad. She said she’d been inside working, and hadn’t done anything on the balcony so it must have come from above. She suggested I check upstairs. Hmmm… weird, I thought. Maybe she feels guilty and is lying to cover it up, or maybe there’s some other explanation. I was pretty sure the water was coming from the plants on her balcony.

Anyway, I wandered upstairs to the unit above and knocked on their door. Heart racing again. I got the spiel more accurate this time, and they seemed friendly: a young couple with their son. They invited me in and suggested the problem was coming from the balcony below. We stuck our heads down, and there is a polystyrene box filled with dirty water on the wall surrounding the balcony, next to the plants. I wandered back downstairs feeling a bit disempowered. I hate the way I get so nervous in conflict situations; I’ve had problem neighbours before, and I really don’t like having to deal with it. I wish I did though!

I decided I’d better face the fear, and go back to tell my immediate neighbour that the water is coming from her balcony, and ask her to do something about it. As I knocked on the door, my hands were shaking. I had to knock twice before she answered, and I told her that it looked like the water was coming from the box on her balcony. She said she hadn’t been out there, and I invited her to come down and have a look at my balcony (in case she thought I was making it up, or lying or something). She suggested perhaps a bird had got in the box, and that they like having the lorikeets come up there.

“Well is there something we can do about this, because it’s causing me a problem”, I said.

“I guess I could move it, or take some of the water out”, she said.

“Yeah, that might solve the problem. Thank you”. End of interaction.

Oh man, what a petty, minor little thing to get so stressed out about. But I can’t seem to help my body responding that way. So fearful, so annoying. It took about half an hour to calm down again; I suspect it would have been much longer if my neighbour had been more difficult to deal with and just refused to do anything about the problem. Somehow when people disregard my well-being, I get fearful instead of angry. I hate that! Stop-stop-stop!