I’ve noticed a consistent pattern among myself and my clients recovering from CFS: We all have a history of taking on too much stress and not really standing up for ourselves when other people do things we don’t like. Most of us had parents who weren’t willing or able to teach us how to deal with our emotions, to self-soothe our nervous system when we were in distress, or to stand up for ourselves when our emotional or physical boundaries were being violated. Often the person we most needed to stand up to was one or both of our parents themselves, and that rarely goes well when you’re a distressed child trying to stand up to an adult who is being unreasonable because their wounded inner child is running the show.
All of this is a recipe for ever increasing anger, resentment and frustration. We end up overcompensating in a desperate attempt to get our needs met because nobody taught us how to do this effectively. Internalise that toxic cocktail and it’s no wonder we end up sick.
Behaviour patterns learned as a child tend to stick even if they never really worked well, and coping strategies learned as a child rarely works well in the adult world. If nobody shows us a better way, it’s easy to continue behaving in ways that increase our internal store of resentment and frustration long into adulthood with no way of releasing the stress pressure cooker.
Continue reading “Using Assertiveness To Release Anger & Stress”
Here is a free guided self-compassion meditation recorded with the permission of one of my clients during a recent Skype session. It is based on the mindful self-compassion practise I learned from Self-Compassion Teacher Dr. Kristin Neff.
It also covers sensitivity to noise, reaching out to other people for support, asking for help in getting our needs met and being open to receiving help and support; which are things thing I found difficult when I was most ill and notice that many of my clients also find challenging.
The meditation goes for 33minutes 45seconds.
Continue reading “Guided Self-Compassion and Asking For Support Meditation”
Music is a big part of my life nowadays. Shortly after I fell ill, I decided to start learning to play guitar. I thought it would be a great way to connect with healthy people without taking up too much energy, and it was. Rather than sitting around complaining about how I felt, I spent a lot of time learning the hand shapes, getting the hang of strumming and hanging out with other musically minded people.
It turned out that I had quite a bit of spare time available to practise while recovering. I also learned to play drums, and now I do volunteer work for a charity that provides music and yoga to disadvantaged people. Playing music with people whose lives are more challenging than mine reminds me to be grateful for the health I have.
So here are my Top Ten Songs for CFS:
Continue reading “My Top Ten Songs For CFS”
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While the EMDR I recently started seems to be working, the sensations in my head and neck feel physical rather than just emotional; so I want to get more physical about it.
When I first came down with CFS in 2008, I had been going to the local gym and doing strenuous workouts (well, strenuous to me, given that I was a relatively new gym-goer) three times per week. I knew something was wrong when the cold-that-just-wouldn’t-go-away hit and I passed out during a personal training session. I went downhill fast, quit my gym membership and tried a casual Yoga class at the studio next door to the gym instead. I couldn’t make it though the yoga class either. That’s when I really knew I was really screwed.
Since that unpleasant experience, I’ve only done Yoga only occasionally. I’ve been resisting committing to it partly because of that bad experience, partly because I don’t really want to do the work, partly because it’ll cost money, and partly because I’m really inflexible and find yoga uncomfortable.
The fact that I’m really inflexible is an excellent reason to do Yoga though, not to avoid it.
Continue reading “Taking Up Yoga”
I’ve been wary of graded exercise ever since the doctor who diagnosed me with CFS told me that “exercise is very important in CFS”. I was thinking “I’ve struggled to even drag myself to your office, and you’re telling me to exercise?!?”
However, there’s definitely something to be said for movement. The flu-like symptoms of CFS strongly suggest some kind of chronic infection, and the lymphatic system which is a vital part of our immune system relies on the movement of skeletal muscles to pump lymphatic fluid around since it lacks the heart-like pump that our circulatory system has. That means movement is good for our immune systems.
On the other hand, if the theories about CFS involving the amygdalae (the emotional centres of our brain) are correct, then it’s probably not just important to move: it might also be important to feel good while doing it.
Aside from the obvious problem of Post Exertional Malaise, there’s the fact that a lot of rehabilitation type and conventional exercise is really boring. I hated running for instance, even when I was 100% well. There’s generally not a lot to engage your brain in and distract yourself from the anxiety associated with CFS.
Until the recent arrival of Pokemon GO, that is. Obviously this only works if you’re already reasonably functional, and willing to take breaks so you don’t overdo it walking all over the neighbourhood. But this game is seriously addictive, motivates movement, gives you a focus other than being sick & getting better, and is mentally engaging since you have to keep stopping to visit Pokestops, catch Pokemon and engage in gym battles. Plus it’ll run your iPhone battery flat long before you exhaust your supply of ATP.
One of the speakers I heard who had the most impact on me during the recent Neuroscience Training Summit on SoundsTrue was Dr Kristin Neff, a neuroscience researcher and self-compassion teacher who talked about activating our mamilian caregiving system by placing your hands over your heart and offering yourself compassion in the midst of suffering.
I find this technique really valuable when I’m feeling distressed and anxious, and just had a session with a client who also found it really helpful for calming her anxiety. The technique is based on the Buddhist tradition of mindfulness which generally implies a sense of self-compassion, but making the self-compassion aspect the explicit focus.
Aside from the mere fact that this kind of meditation has worked for thousands of years, I also like that modern neuroscience can now explain how and why it works, so you can take it on faith, or take it on reason. Either way, it works. Essentially what you’re doing is self-activating the soothing mechanism that emotionally aware mothers instinctually use to soothe their distressed infants by holding them and cooing when they’re upset.
When everything is working well, over time we learn to self-soothe by internalising this experience from our mothers. But if you didn’t have an emotionally aware mother or if you’re hit with an overwhelming experience like CFS, it can take some conscious attention and practice to develop the ability to self-soothe anxiety and distress.
If you fear that self-compassion might seem a little self-indulgent, consider one thing I recall Dr Neff saying in the Neuroscience Training Summit about the opposite of self-compassion: “There’s nothing more self-focused than being lost in the throes of self-criticism.”
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism, and the more self-compassion we practice, the more compassion we have available for other people.
Dr Neff has a set of guided meditations available for free on her website that I highly recommend. She has a soothing voice and you get to benefit from her 20 years of self-compassion practice.
Here’s the link: Free Self-Compassion Guided Meditations.
I’ve been reading Barry Green & W. Timothy Gallwey’s book The Inner Game Of Music to learn how to calm my nerves onstage for my future career as a comedian/musician. There’s a lot of wisdom in the book about dealing with anxiety and staying present under pressure, and I thought this paragraph was particularly pertinent to recovery from CFS:
When we realise that what at first looks like a stressful or negative experience can be understood as a ‘dissonance’ that can lead to resolution, we can begin to accept the stressful moments and flow with them instead of resisting them. The times that we look back on with the greatest pleasure are often those when we experienced a full measure of obstacles and stresses and were able to bring them to a harmonious resolution. Our goal is to be able to ‘experience our experience’ fully, without classifying it as either bad or good.
Well I don’t know about looking back “with the greatest of pleasure”, but apart from that I think he’s onto something.
I just want to say a big “Thank you!” to everyone who participated in helping me get my Life Coaching qualification with Beyond Success, the company that I did my Emotional Intelligence-based coach training with.
Getting qualified was the final step in my Life Coach training; something that I had been putting off for about 3 years because I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting a sick, depressed life coach. However, one of the things that I learned from Mickel Therapy was to complete the things that we’ve been putting off since they all contribute to our sense of powerlessness and unconscious stress.
Continue reading “I Got My Life Coaching Qualification!”
I’ve been listening to some of the free recordings from The Neuroscience Training Summit for the last few days, and just thought I would give you all a heads up about it. I’m firmly convinced that CFS is a neurological illness, and I have found some really interesting clues by listening to some of the worlds leading neuroscience researchers and therapists talk about what they’re discovering about the human nervous system.
If you’re like me and believe that knowing more about your internal neurological wiring could help you deal with what you going through better, I recommend checking the last few free recordings of the summit out at The Neuroscience Training Summit on SoundsTrue.
One of the paradoxes of having a chronic illness is that since we tend to spend a lot of time and energy focusing on fixing the problem; which means we’re spending a lot of time and energy on the problem itself. Of course what we really want is the solution to the problem, but when the solution isn’t easily apparent, it’s easy to get stuck feeling anxious and just focusing on the problem.
That has been my experience anyway. We get more of what we focus on. At the same time, what we resist persists; which is why I think that “fighting fatigue” doesn’t work, and I no longer push myself when I’m feeling tired: I rest. And I tell myself that’s OK.
Lately I’ve been focusing more on creating the life I want for myself and on helping other people than on working hard to recover. I spend a lot of time playing music and have a gig lined up in a few weeks that I’m really looking forward to. I don’t feel so anxious when I’m absorbed in playing music, and I feel my nervous system relax.
I also coach other people who aren’t yet where I’m at, and helping them move forward really helps me feel positive too. One of my clients recently sent me this video, which I think has some great advice about relaxing your nervous system and focusing on being happy using EFT:
Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy day!