Chronic Fatigue Survivor's Blog

A blog about my experience recovering from Chronic Fatigue

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Browsing Posts published by Graham

Finding God

January 15, 2010 6 comments

I just posted this message on the Chronic Fatigue Treatments Forums, and thought it was too good not to repost here:

Jj85 wrote: "I've often wondered if there's any correlation between this disease and not believing in God."

There is a good reason that the irrational belief in God has been around for sooooo long, and still persists even in today's modern, scientific society. A big part of it is driven by the desire to relieve fear; a desire to control an emotion so strong and debilitating, that it over-rules even the most rational thinking. Try debating the existence of God with a fundamentalist of any theistic persuasion, and you come up against this immediately: the fear is so strong, they're not going to even consider the possibility that the God they think of as looking out for them might not be there. Or the eternal life. Or the 72 virgins. Or whatever.

As an atheist, I don't have God to fall back on and make me feel better about situations which I appear to have little control over. I do think this makes us more susceptible to anxiety-based conditions like CFS. I probably wouldn't have conceded this before spending the last 2-years feeling like a train wreck; I would have been too busy "correcting" all those foolish theists and trying to "help" them see the errors of their ways.

Ultimately, the spiritual path I'm on isn't about finding God: it's about finding and believing in my true self. Any time we rely on external sources for our own happiness and well-being, whether they be ideas like God, or doctors, or friends, or family members, society, whatever... we place ourselves at the mercy of someone else. Maybe this is just inherent to the human condition. Or maybe I'd have a stronger belief in myself if I hadn't been indoctrinated into placing my trust in a deity who doesn't come through with the goods time and again, when I was a kid. Who knows. Either way, the only path forward for me is to learn to trust not in some external God or some universal life force or other new age bullshit, but in myself.

If I can make this the reason and purpose for my CFS, then maybe it's all worthwhile in the end.

Uncategorized none

Excited about getting better

January 15, 2010 No comments

I'm feeling quite excited about the prospect of getting better. Woke up quite early this morning, excited about all the things I want to do when I recover. I could feel my heart racing and the adrenaline pumping as I thought about it all... which really isn't what I want right now!

I do feel reasonably OK today though. I watched Session 9 on Dealing With Dips. A lot of the material is very relevant to me; I have always been very driven and success-oriented. Exactly the personality type that Ashok describes as being susceptible to the stress-response that causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It's only a wonder it didn't hit me earlier.

Even though I'm aware that I do it, I still tend to look to other people for approval, and to external achievements to make me feel good about myself. I'm working on changing that, and it's fascinating to see the same message coming at me from lots of different directions, including now the retraining programme.

Naturally enough when I think about all the things I want to do when I get better, I want to do them all now, now, NOW! Even if I were 100% immediately, I'd still be feeling that I wanted to get everything accomplished and completed right now today, so I can have all the successful results tomorrow; which isn't how life works. Hence the need to pace myself and accept that I'm where I'm at today, and there will be plenty of time to do what I want tomorrow. It doesn't have to all happen in an instant. Even if it did, that instant would immediately be gone; and then I'd just find something else I wanted to do!

I've been busily breaking thoughts about my fear over a future career path. If I can get to being more accepting of going -with-the-flow, I think I'll be a lot less stressed. It all seemed clearer when I was doing Computer Engineering, but I know I don't want to go back to that. The purpose of a career is to learn about something; in fact, the purpose of life is to learn about stuff I think. I already know enough about computers, and I want to learn more about people, how they tick, and how to be a master at interacting with them. Although I didn't see it at the time, having a mainstream career was really quite grounding... up until the point when I stopped enjoying it, and it became a burden. Then I moved on, but I do miss the certainty that comes with a mainstream job and career.

I've been learning to play Good Riddance by Green Day on my guitar. It pretty much sums up my feelings about CFS. I'll get myself a video camera and upload a shoot of me playing it onto YouTube for you once I'm feeling a bit more confident about it. I'll try not to stress out or wait until I can play it perfectly though. Near enough is good enough, especially if it prevents an adrenaline cycle!

Good days ,

Reasonable day today

January 14, 2010 No comments

Woke up feeling fairly good this morning. Did some work, helping a friend review web site designers for his new website. Then had lunch with a friend and talked about my favourite topic... women! Felt OK. Got a bit of a cough right now though. Going to spend the evening chilling out in front of the TV. If that girl I met in the city last week SMS's again, perhaps we'll meet up for drinks. Don't want to get too excited though, lest it trigger another adrenaline cycle.

Uncategorized none

Feeling a bit better today

January 13, 2010 No comments

I got a decent sleep last night, and am feeling quite a bit better today. I still have a stuffy head, runny nose and mild cough, but no headache or sore throat. Don't feel quite so exhausted; I feel more functional that I have in the past week.

Watched Session 8 today on Non-Symptom Thoughts. I could definitely relate to the examples: I'm not good enough, fear of criticism and rejection, and the need for achievement. I've collected lots of evidence to back them up too! I can see how these merely add to the stress I feel; and hence to the symptoms. I've known about them for a long time, and have done lots of work in therapy to lessen their impact, but there wasn't a direct connection between them and my health until I came down with CFS. Although they probably were the cause of the migraines I used to get all the time. Anyway, now that I'm ill on a daily basis I guess I'll be more motivated to break them!

I've posted my What Do I Choose? worksheet, along with Achievements I'm Proud Of and Characteristics I Value. Enjoy!

Good days

Couldn't get to sleep last night

January 12, 2010 No comments

Had real trouble getting to sleep last night. I came up with a crazy idea for a way to make lots of money on the Internet, got all excited about it and then just couldn't get it out of my head. I think I'm having trouble with the idea of just taking a complete break from any kind of work for 6 months. It doesn't help that people keep asking me to do things for them!

The problem with implementing my crazy idea is that if it doesn't work, I'm going to feel bad. CFS seems to magnify all my emotions terribly. I want to be coming from a place of "let's give this a try, it'll be fun!" but instead I'm always thinking "I'm desperate to get something to work".

Spent a good chunk of the day in bed either trying to sleep, or meditating. What say I have a good night's sleep tonight with no hair-brained plans on the mind.

Bad days none

Stress Patterns and Symptom Meanings

January 11, 2010 No comments

I watched session 7 this afternoon, on Stress Patterns, including Symptom Thoughts and Meanings. My reaction was partly "my whole life has been like this!". I've known about the idea of breaking negative thoughts before, but never felt really motivated to work hard at it. It always seemed like too much hard work and I was sceptical of whether it would have any result. So it's not all that new to me, but I haven't seen it applied specifically to CFS before. Getting better seems like it could be worth the hard work, especially considering how I felt yesterday.

I was feeling a bit tense and headachey this afternoon. I lay down and listened to the whole meditation CD. I feel more calm now.

Bad days

Truly awful day yesterday

January 11, 2010 2 comments

Had a really bad day yesterday. Woke up with a really sore throat and the usual perpetually stuffed head. Felt really anxious too. No particular thoughts behind it initially, but the negative thoughts grew during the day. Did a lot of Stop-Stop-Stop'ing, but it just seemed overwhelming. Felt really anxious and exhausted in the afternoon and went back to bed. Woke up after an hour or so feeling a bit calmer. Then a rotten headache developed in the afternoon. Took nurofen and felt pretty crap. Listened to the meditation CD and felt calmer.

The headache got stronger in the evening and I just felt horrible, like I don't want to live this life any more. I really wish I could kick this thing. Went to bed early and woke up in the middle of the night feeling like my eyes were going to burst. Took more nurofen and went back to bed. Gawd this sucks.

Woke up this morning feeling jet-lagged, like I used to feel the day after a bad migraine. At least I don't have the sore throat today. I'm considering the prospect of giving up absolutely everything I find even remotely stressful for six months, like dating, learning public speaking, writing & publishing my work. Even just the thought of putting life on hold seems stressful, and I'm doing those things so I can develop a successful career again. Not having a career at the moment is stressful, so the thought of putting it all off is stressful too. But the thought of working hard developing one and dealing with my fear of failure is stressful too. Bit of a no-win situation.

I feel so tired. I'm going to spend today learning to play a song for my niece on my guitar for when she gets back from holidays. And watch the next Gupta session DVD. Can't give up yet!

Bad days none

Stayed out late, woke up with a mild headache

January 9, 2010 No comments

I went out to the city last night to see if I could meet some people here in Canberra. My friends are either away or not answering their email! So I want to meet some new people. Went to a couple of pubs and mustered up the courage to approach some people and say "Hi"... something I've never done before. Only about 50% seemed receptive, but that was enough to have a few conversations. Didn't risk dancing or anything too energetic like that, but stayed out until about 1:30am.

Got home and had trouble sleeping. I was felt proud of my courage at meeting some new people. No idea what lasting impact that would have on the amygdala: I certainly felt stressed at the time, but quite courageous afterwards. Let's hope it helps.

Today I woke up early and with a mild headache. I've had worse; I used to get screaming migraines. Took Nurofen, slept a bit more and felt better. I spent some time surfing other Chronic Fatigue Blog sites, and came across a mix of positive and negative comments about it . Did some Stop-Stop-Stop to get over the influence of the negative comments. Listened to the meditation CD this afternoon. Gonna stay in tonight so I feel better tomorrow.

Bad days

Watched Soften & Flow and Meditations Session

January 8, 2010 No comments

I've just watched the Soften & Flow and meditations session. So far so good.

I've had some pretty late nights lately. Some I've been staying up just for the heck of it, others I couldn't sleep. I felt really restless the other night after deciding to rewrite the sales page for my e-book, and since I couldn't get to sleep, I got up at 2am and rewrote it, working through till 6am. I think I'm struggling with the idea of just giving up all "work"; I want to be successful and don't really want to wait 6 months to recover before doing useful work again. Plus I'm trying all sorts of new ways of earning money because I'm bored of my old Engineering career. The stress of searching for something fulfilling and financially rewarding to do probably isn't helping; but I wonder if that stress will go away until I start being successful at something new.

I'm finding the prospect of the Hour of Power a bit daunting. I've attempted to do morning meditations every day before, and have had difficulty sustaining it. I'll give it a go with Gupta's meditation CD each morning and see how that pans out.

I still feel like my head is a bit stuffed, my nose is blocked, and my throat a tiny bit sore. I feel a bit tense, but nowhere near as tense as I did middle of last year. I don't feel as exhausted as I have in the past few weeks. Whether that's because I've been avoiding all physical activity or due to starting the program, or some combination... I don't know yet.

Fingers crossed.

Good days none

Headaches today

January 5, 2010 2 comments

Well it probably didn't help that I stayed up until 2am chatting online to a girl I recently dated. Felt quite exhausted today, and went to bed in the afternoon with a headache. I've decided to prioritise what I want to do tomorrow, and spend the evening chilling out in front of the TV. I've been working a bit manically the past few days, and that probably isn't helping. There's so much stuff I want to do!

I've been doing the Stop-Stop-Stop thing a few times today. Either I'm not conscious of my negative thoughts, or when I have them, I find myself having more even just while I'm doing the routine. I could be Stop-Stop-Stop'ing indefinitely!

My eyes are aching so I'm out of here. I'll watch the next DVD session tomorrow.

Bad days
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